Andy and I are invited last minute so neither of us is financially prepared for another Vegas trip this soon (as if that's a valid excuse) so we decide to attempt a "budgeted" weekend in Sin City. After the cost of the hotel room we set the budget at $200 total for both of us.
Yeah, laugh really hard because it goes straight downhill from here.
Andy picks me up and we head out.
Tequila keeps me occupied for most of the trip.
We meet up with our buddy to get VIP passes into LAX.
VIP Passes: $60
Total Cost: $60
We get to the Excalibur, check in and head next door to LAX at the Luxor.
We present our passes, but they charge us anyway.
Total Cost: $110
We walk in and find everyone in one of the lofts upstairs.
I'm glad we managed to stay under budget for all of 2 hours.
As soon as we find our loft AJ walks up to me, “Rick! Just the guy I was looking for! I'd like you to meet someone.” He brings me over to a sexy blonde sitting on the couch.
“Ashley, this is my buddy Rick, I think you two will get along great.”
I introduce myself and sit down next to her.
In the time it takes for us to make eye contact we both consent to bypass the whole “conversation” part of getting to know each other and go straight for the hands-all-over-each-other-while-making-out part.
After we “get to know each other” for a little while I get up and AJ pours me a drink… and by “pours me a drink” I mean he hands me a shot and a glass of something that tastes like pure gin.
I give the beginning of the night a thumbs up.
Jordan walks over, “Rick, I have a couple girls I want you to meet.”
He introduces me to a blonde and a brunette from England (surprisingly they do have nice teeth).
“Ladies, this is Rick, he’s also a professional.”
I start chatting with them about their rates and, hypothetically, if I were to have sex with them how we would determine who charges what, especially since my rate is ridiculously high (justifiably so).
My ADD kicks in and I wander off to find three Asians dancing by the railing over-looking the dance floor. I set my sights on the cutest/shortest one and we start dancing. After groping each other for a few minutes I bring her over to the couch and sit her down on my lap.
As we start making out, “I can’t do this, I have a boyfriend.”
“Really? That’s interesting.”
I start kissing her neck, “I’m sorry, I really can’t… Let’s go dance!”
We get up and go back to dancing. After some more groping I get bored and go to the table. I pour myself a gin on the rocks with a splash of gin, mix it with some gin and drink it faster than your wife can moan... well, faster than she can moan whatever she moans. (I hope that was a good visual.)
I take a shot to wash it down.
I turn around to notice the most gorgeous woman I’ve seen all night walking toward me: 5’8”, dark hair, amazing body, nice tits, tight ass, and a face belonging to a model that models for models' faces (fuck you, think about it). She introduces herself and we immediately hit it off. We talk for a while about how beautiful she is, how gorgeous I am, how much she loves my eyes, and eventually transitioning to threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes.
A few minutes after those rousing topics I find out she’s celebrating her 40th birthday, has three kids, has been married for 15 years, and her husband is sitting five feet away in their part of the loft with their friends.
Can this possibly get any better?
We continue flirting, caressing and occasionally licking each other’s face. At one point she tells me she has to see to her husband and make sure he isn’t getting "too jealous."
I notice a busty brunette has made her way into our loft with her friends so I meander on over.
We make eye contact and I smile, “You are so cute.”
…and we start making out.
After I get to know her tits on a first-name basis I take a break and go over to the railing, smirk, and look out over the dance floor below.
After contemplating the deeper meanings of life I turn around to see the 40 year old sitting on her husband’s lap; the two of them making out. She notices me looking at her. She smiles, stops making out with her husband, and gets up. She walks over, slides her arms behind my back, grins, and eye-fucks the shit out of me.
We pick up where we left off.
The flirting and touching become increasingly more intense until I find it harder and harder to restrain my desires. I place my hands on her sexy little waist and pull her in close. I smile and whisper, “There are so many things I want to do to you right now it’s driving me crazy.”
She cops a feel and smirks, “I can tell…”
I smile back, “I’m heading to the bathroom, meet me there in 30 seconds…”
Before I even finish speaking she takes off.
If there was any way she could turn me on even more, she just did.
I go over to Jordan and explain what happened just to kill some time so as not to arouse further "suspicion" from the husband.
I start heading for the woman’s restroom. As I enter I sense the gears in my head come to a painfully screeching halt…
I’ve completely forgotten her name.
Before I can come up with some clever way of getting her attention from whatever stall she may be residing in the restroom attendant walks in, “Sir, you can’t be in here. This is the ladies restroom; the men’s restroom is around the corner.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I had no idea.”
I walk outside. Within a minute or so my name-less MILF exits the bathroom with a look of disappointment on her similar to that of a Christian fundamentalist father listening to his son come out of the closet during dinner at the annual family reunion.
Needless to say, there is little hope in recovering from this one.
I notice my friends getting ready to leave so I walk her back to the loft; we very reluctantly part ways. For the rest of the night I proceed to mentally and verbally kick the shit out of myself while requesting the assistance of my friends for the physical beating.
I know. Big deal, it’s just one woman.
There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but it’s not every day the opportunity arises to fuck the brains out of a stunningly gorgeous MILF in the bathroom stall of a Vegas night club while her husband is down the hall with their friends celebrating her birthday.
In the words of the great Stephen McGowin...
We find some restaurant in the Luxor. The line is 30 miles long (give or take 29.99 miles).
Jordan walks to the front of the line.
He actually stops right before the front so as to not make it “too obvious” we just cut in front of 50 people.
The hostess looks at the girls in front of us, “How many?”
“Three… but,” pointing to us, “these guys just cut in front of everyone!”
The hostess turns to Jordan, “Sir, did you skip everyone in line?”
Jordan, in a valiant effort to defeat the evil hostess, “These girls were definitely in front of us.”
“Sir, I’m going to need you to go to the back of the line.”
“They were definitely in front of us, just seat them and we’ll be fine.”
“Sir, go to the back of the line.”
At this point I realize the uphill battle is now taking place on a steeper hill so I jump out of line and look for an alternate entrance.
I find a random archway (some would probably refer to it as the “exit”) and signal the guys to walk in with me. We sit down at a table and attempt to hide from the hostess long enough to get a server.
The server arrives and takes our order.
Evil hostess, three bitchy girls, and everyone else in line: 0
Resume beating self up until drunkenly passing out in bed.