I've learned my lesson, God, I promise.
No more engineers.
Ever again.
EVER.
...unless she's really hot.
I hooked up with Lauren a few weeks ago. The first time actually took work, and at one point I thought I might not put my P in her V, but then I called her at 2am on a Saturday and told her I was coming over, at which point she gave me her address... and we "did it" (tehehe).
Faggot.
Shut up, dick.
ANYWAY... I pretty much immediately regretted my decision in the morning.
I know, you're probably thinking, "Oh Rick, you realized she wasn't that attractive after you woke up, didn't you?"
That's a valid assumption, but no, I actually realized that when I got to her place at 3 o'clock in the morning, but I had just paid 70-fucking-dollars for a taxi so I was gonna have my way with her even if she turned into a porcupine with a fire-breathing vagina.
I immediately regretted my decision because I realized this might be seen by her as more than a late night booty call.
"So do you want to grab breakfast?"
No, I don't want to grab breakfast, I just want to get back to my friends without paying for another taxi or blow jobbing for a ride home.
So we got breakfast...
...and I paid for it.
OK, I know! I'm not exactly reinforcing the whole booty-call/one-night-stand thoughts going through her head.
Regardless... I intend on never seeing her again.
She drops me off at Alex and Johnny's and I hit up Natalia to come hang by the pool for the day.
And then Lauren starts texting me.
Obviously, in a situation like this I want her to get the message that I'm not very interested (at all), but I also don't want to be a complete asshole since I did just fuck her... so it's time to be "a little" (read: very) aloof.
- I take all day to respond to her texts, if I reply at all
- I give short to medium length responses to her essays
- I don't initiate conversation AT ALL
But fuck it, she's an engineering student working on her PhD, what the fuck does she know about social cues?
Don't think about the answer to that question for too long, because it's fucking rhetorical.
But this can only go on for so long, right? I mean, she lives two hours away, it's not like she's gonna drive down here to see a guy who's making zero effort to get to know her, right?
Right?!?
OH WAIT!
Did you already forget she's an engineering student?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T!
She texts me almost every day in an effort to start a conversation.
- She tells me how her day is going without me asking
- She tells me about her plans for the weekend without me asking
- After the weekend, she tells me how her weekend went (wait for it) WITHOUT ME ASKING!
You might ask yourself, "Why would she do this?"
Well, one may hypothesize it has something to do with my big-ass mouth drunkenly telling her the night we met that she should come to San Diego and visit, and that we would have a lot of fun.
Or maybe she's just fucking crazy and doesn't understand how shit works.
Halfway through last week she calls to let me know she'll be riding down to San Diego with her roommates to grab some furniture and wants to know if we can meet up for "lunch or something"?
*sigh*
I tell her I might have an opening and that I'll get back to her.
Do I get back to her?
No.
Does she get back to me instead?
You fucking bet she does.
I tell her we might be able to grab dinner Sunday since I'm busy Saturday.
Oh shit! Then I remember Andy and I might be going to Hard Rock's Intervention pool party on Sunday.
Me: Hey, so Sunday might not be good, I'm waiting to hear back from Andy about whether or not we're going to a pool party that day.
Her: Alright, just let me know.
At this point you might be sensing a trend so I probably don't have to tell you I didn't get back to her, and I probably don't have to tell you she took the initiative to get back to me... again
Her: So whats the status on Sunday?
Me: We're probably not going so let's just assume I'm free.
Her: Great! So where do you want to meet up? or what do you want to do?
And I don't reply...
So the next day...
Her: Hey, call me when you get a chance so we can figure out the plans for tomorrow.
In the meantime my Sunday has filled up and if she wants to see me she'll have to meet up with us somewhere. Oh wait, but she's riding down with her friends, she won't have a car, and she'll have to leave when they leave.
Her: Ok, so I think I'm going to drive down separate to make things easier.
No! Bad girl! Stop it!
Sunday rolls around. I tell her I'm going snorkeling with my roommate and her boyfriend. She asks me to let her know when we finish and she'll meet me at the house.
Wanna guess what I did... or more specifically, what I did NOT do?
Now, do you wanna guess what she did?
Her: Hey! Hope the water was nice, when are you heading back to the house?
Jesus. Christ.
She meets us at my house and we all head to the park for a free concert. I ignore her for the most part, which works out fine since my roommate and our friends are able to carry on conversations with her for the rest of the afternoon.
Afterward, however, my roommate drops us off back at the house and it's just the two of us.
Fuck.
After trying to stall by watching a movie and fucking around on YouTube the moment of truth arrives.
"So were you planning on driving back tonight or tomorrow morning?"
"Ummm I'd like to drive back tomorrow morning."
Fuck you!
"Alright, well we'll have to sleep out here, it's taking me 3 weeks to put my bed together."
aka if I actually gave a shit I would put it back together in 5 minutes
"Alright."
We lay down on the couch and after 30 minutes of her non-stop blabbering (with NO provocation from me by the way) I can't take it anymore. It's amazing how much this girl can run her mouth without anyone asking her a single question. I would rather fuck her to shut her up than listen to whatever's coming out of that hole in her face.
What followed was the best acting, on my part, I have ever seen/felt/heard. She probably thought I was actually attracted to her for all 3 minutes... and all it took was me imagining every hot chick I've ever made out with, hooked up with, or fucked. It went something like:
pump pump
Natalia
pump pump pump
Kelly
pump
Diamond
pump pump
Hot girl from Wavehouse
pump pump pump pump
Persian chick
pump pump
Ramona
pump pump pump
Sexy Asian girl that gave me a hand job on the dancefloor
pump pump pump pump
Random girl I made eye contact with the other day
pump pump
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH for another 2min 45sec
AAAAAAANNNNNDDD ORGASM!
"Wow, I've never cum so fast wearing a condom."
"It's cause I'm so sexy..."
"Yup... that's it..."
...it definitely wasn't that I just wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible so you would finally shut up and let me sleep while at the same time not wanting to fake it because if I'm going to suffer like this you bet your ass I'm getting something out of it.
*shudder*
Thank God I just passed out afterward.
She left early in the morning and for the rest of the week every time I got a text message I hesitated to look at my phone, but nothing came... not that week, not the next. It wasn't until almost 3 weeks later she texted me, asking me how I was doing, and I never responded, and I've lived happily ever after, ever since.
The end.
Oh, wow. I take back what I said on musings. We are not the same person (albeit opposite sexes and the whole marriage thing). You know why? Because I'd actually have the BALLS to tell someone I'm not into him vs. responding to a text saying maybe we can get together, then NOT responding to a text after that, then wondering why the person is "dense" enough to want to follow up.
Yeesh, Rick. If you're don't want to see someone, just tell her. Why play the silly game and go out on a poor performance?
Posted by: Katie | 09/13/2011 at 07:04 PM
I consider this to be my personal low of 2011, so hopefully this is one of those "lesson learned" type situations ;)
Posted by: the Rick Tastic | 09/13/2011 at 07:30 PM
gotta learn somehow :)
Posted by: philip | 01/19/2012 at 08:08 PM