First, I'd like to thank the women in my life that have tried, at one point or another, to upgrade themselves from booty calls to something more.
Your efforts did not go unnoticed, just ignored.
Second, I'd like to clarify these rules do not apply to friends with benefits. To me, a FWB situation implies I actually enjoy spending time with you, hence the "friends" part of the title.
And finally, I'd like to specifically thank the last girl who tried to stretch a one night stand into, well, something longer and far more awkward because if it wasn't for your ridiculously aggressive pursuit I may never have been inspired to write this... nor would I have experienced pity sex for the first time or, as I like to call it, my personal low of 2011.
Me: "Wow, I've never cum so fast wearing a condom."
Her: "It's cause I'm so sexy..."
Me: "Yup... that's it..."
...it definitely wasn't that I just wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible so you would finally shut up and let me sleep while at the same time not wanting to fake it because if I'm going to suffer like this you bet your ass I'm getting something out of it.
*shudder*
Anyway... the following rules are basically expectations and guidelines that should be upheld until you develop feelings for the other person, in which case you should delete the phone number and never talk to him/her again to save yourself the pain of trying to enter into a relationship with someone who is using you for sex.
With that said, on to the basics of booty calls, starting with numero seis (that's Mexican for six).
Rule #6 Facebook
No.
Rule #5 Don't expect to meet my friends
"Great... now everyone knows what she looks like. I wonder if it's too late to tell them she's just a friend from out of town who I'm NOT sticking my penis inside of."
I don't even want strangers to see us in public together, let alone people I live with and/or hang out with on a regular basis.
I mean, let's be honest, if I only want to see you when it's dark out and I'm wasted what makes you think I want my friends to meet you? and possibly even interact with you?
That doesn't even make drunk sense.
If, however, we somehow manage to get caught in public don't expect me to show you any kind of attention that might signify to on-lookers that I actually put my precious genitalia inside you. At most, I'll introduce you as a "friend" and then avoid any and all contact with you until said public instance has concluded.
Rule #4 No rain checks
"Four missed calls last night? I should probably call him back... and text him at least twice... maybe email him, too?"
Our "encounters" are strictly call ahead. There are no reservations, no rescheduling. If I call you at 3am and you don't answer for some strange reason (like you're sleeping or some shit) you have a 30 minute window to get back to me before I don't care (aka I'm passed the fuck out). Once time passes that 30 minute mark just pretend like I never called (aka do not call me back the next day). I don't want to talk to you and I certainly don't want to hang out with you in broad daylight... or really at all.
Rule #3 Don't expect a sleepover
"If I just stare at the ceiling long enough she'll think I'm sleeping and then leave."
Remember when I said I may not be attracted to you when I'm sober?
Well, guess what happens when I pass out drunk and wake up 6-8 hours later... I'M SOBER!
Well, mostly sober...
So that means I don't want to see you when I wake up!
It also means I definitely don't want to cuddle or have morning sex with you.
If I come over to your place I'll be leaving as soon as we're done and if you come over to my place and you don't leave as soon as we're done I'll be passing out with the hope my bed is empty when I wake up. Please don't let me down.
Rule #2 Do NOT try and play hard to get
You don't get the luxury of acting aloof if I fall off the face of the earth for a couple months.
The reason playing hard to get even works to begin with is when I like someone and don't quite know how much she likes me then taking a while to call me back or reply to a text will generally keep me interested. So if you've already established a pattern of being available 24/7 then playing hard to get NO LONGER WORKS! Bluffing is NOT effective once all your cards are on the table.
And by "cards" I mean your vagina.
Rule #1 I call you, you do NOT call me
"Hey, it's Friday! Wanna come over and watch a movie? Oh, you're busy re-organizing the silverware drawer? Ok, maybe another time then?"
I cannot stress this one enough. This is not a two-way street.
If I want to see you, I will call you. It's as simple as that, I promise. I'm perfectly aware that all I have to do is text you and you'll show up at my door step, you don't need to remind me you're still alive by asking me how my day is.
The whole reason we're even in this situation is because you were so willing to give it up to someone who showed the tiniest bit of interest in you... or through my beer goggles I thought you were hot. The point is I'm not actually interested unless I'm really drunk so I don't want to talk to you 99% of the time.
So to summarize: stop it, and shut up.
This has been a public service announcement. Thank you.
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