the Rick Tastic adventures

Say Goodbye to My First Stage 5 Clinger

I've learned my lesson, God, I promise.

No more engineers.

Ever again.

EVER.

...unless she's really hot.

I hooked up with Lauren a few weeks ago. The first time actually took work, and at one point I thought I might not put my P in her V, but then I called her at 2am on a Saturday and told her I was coming over, at which point she gave me her address... and we "did it" (tehehe).

Faggot.

Shut up, dick.

ANYWAY... I pretty much immediately regretted my decision in the morning.

Say Hi to My First Stage 5 Clinger

Friday

We get to Hollywood, unload, and change.

9:47pm

We walk to our usual Friday night pregaming spot: Loaded. It's a small rocker bar, but there's always a decent crowd and there are constantly people coming and going so it's a good place to warm up (read: get warm-up drunk and make an idiot out of yourself with very few repercussions). 

I order a couple shots and a beer as we wait for the rest of the group to show up.

As I'm looking around my sexy 6'2" lighthouse of a manself draws two girls over who start talking to me. Sadie is a hot, little red head (starting to become my Kryptonite) and Lauren is kind of a dorky brunette. 

Road Trip. Day 3. Vegas - Floaties, Bitches, And Diamonds! Oh My!

 

Because we hadn't had enough of Encore from the night before, we make attempt #2 at getting into the Encore Beach Club.

We decide not to dress like assholes this time. Andy and I skip the Girls Direct to You shirts and I pass on the floaties. I contemplate long and hard about whether I should wear my newly acquired lifeguard shorts, but end up concluding it's best NOT to impersonate a person looked at as being responsible for others' lives (as much as I would love to).

We get to the entrance and, once again, women won't shut up about how fantastic my ass looks in my short white swim shorts of glory. After standing in line for a bit we're let in with no resistance and as soon as I walk into the Beach Club one of the bouncers comes up to me.

Trial 1. Update 1 - Epiphanies, Realizations And Shit

One of the reasons for attempting this abstinence/sobriety experiment was to refocus my time and energy into other parts of my life. One of those parts is this website.

Unfortunately I soon realized the increase in time yielded a problem of its own...

What the fuck am I going to write about if I'm not getting shit-faced and/or getting into awesome/awkward drunken/hookup situations on a regular basis?!

I'm usually so focused on the now or the very recent when I put these memories onto paper that if I go a few weeks without writing about something I feel I have nothing to write about until the "next big adventure", so to speak.

"Your mom's a big adventure."

"..."

As a result of this trial and conversations with my friends, however, I've realized a couple things.

Trial 1 - 30 Days

I’ve started my first experiment of 2011. For those that don’t know; the “experiment” is abstaining from drugs, alcohol, and any-and-all sexual contact for 30 days.

The typical responses include:

• that’s stupid
• that’s retarded
• why would you do that? that's stupid/retarded

Luckily I actually have an explanation.

"Baller! I love explanations for things I don’t understand!"

"I know, me too. We have so much in common… wanna do it?"

"But what about your 30 days of…"

"Shut up and take your clothes off!"

"Fine..."

Vegas. Round 3. Saturday - Rick Tastic Gets Slapped

I wake up at 9 for some ungodly reason.

Shortly thereafter I walk to the bathroom and vomit for a few minutes. Strangely it's perfectly clear, like water. Party time.

Goal for the day: get "drunk"... or my new favorite: shitschwammered™, courtesy of and trademarked by my occasionally clever friend Lauren (see example of shitschwammered™ Lauren below).

 I just wanted an excuse to put this picture of her on the internet.

An eternity passes before Andy gets up (for people who possess patience that's roughly one to two hours).

We head over to the Luxor to wake everybody up. (And by "head over" I mean get lost just trying to find the right elevator, realize we also need a room key to use said elevator and wait until someone else needs to use the same elevator we're waiting in.)

Happy Birthday 'Murica!

The 4th of July is quickly approaching and I need a costume.

Luckily, right down the street is America's Center for Career Services for Immigrant Workers, or ACCSIW /āk-soo/ for short.

Most know it as Home Depot, though.

I picked up the following:

You bet your ass I got a God damn bald eagle! Not only did I get a bald eagle, but I shrunk it, stuck it on my spear, dipped it into aluminum and painted it gold.

FUCK.

YES.