the Rick Tastic adventures

A White Chick, Black Chick, And A Gay Mexican Walk Into A Bar...

The following series of events was relayed to me in an email from my buddy Jeff. This is his story...

Two weekends ago, I found myself in a position where I literally said to myself, "What would Rick Tastic do?"

If any one of you tries to trademark that before me I'll rape your entire family. -Rick

It was a long Friday night shift, and a girl I had gone out on a date with a few days before comes into the bar. That date was nothing special. She was roughly a half hour late, forgot her ID, and we had a language or, more specifically, an accent barrier... so, the usual. I described the date to a mutual friend as "bland". 

But I digress, that actually has nothing to do with the story.

After I make it perfectly clear we would not be going on another date, EVER, she takes off with her friend. As she walks out, a drunk trio walks in. Now, everybody thinks that bartenders get pussy all the time. I wish this were the case, but sometimes even being paid to get girls drunk doesn't always work out. Although, it does beat the hell out of buying girls drinks for no apparent reason other than trying to get my whistle wet. 

Tonight though... tonight is about to get weird.

Say Goodbye to My First Stage 5 Clinger

I've learned my lesson, God, I promise.

No more engineers.

Ever again.

EVER.

...unless she's really hot.

I hooked up with Lauren a few weeks ago. The first time actually took work, and at one point I thought I might not put my P in her V, but then I called her at 2am on a Saturday and told her I was coming over, at which point she gave me her address... and we "did it" (tehehe).

Faggot.

Shut up, dick.

ANYWAY... I pretty much immediately regretted my decision in the morning.

It's a Small Fucking World

I signed on to Facebook the other night and looked through my newsfeed.

Pictures of crap I don't care about

Someone changed their profile picture

More pictures of crap

Boring status update

Andy is now friends with some girl named Mika

Another boring status update

Wait...

Mika?

Why does that name sound so familiar?

Save Boobies as a T.V. Character Birthday Bar Crawl Bash

Yes, that is the full name of the pub crawl. No, the woman above has nothing to do with anything in this story except the fact she has amazing breasts and I would be very sad to see them go.

My friend Jeff put it together as a double whammy: celebrate his birthday and save the tatas.

The #1 rule is

Dress as any TV character (Animation, live actors, SNL character) or any You Tube personality/viral video character.

So obviously I just put on every ridiculous article of clothing I have and let everyone else decide who I am.

I know. I'm lazy. Boohoo.

Luckily, "every ridiculous article of clothing" includes but is not limited to the following:

 

Fanny Packs and Douchebags

It's 2am on a Friday. Do you know where your douchebag is?

No, not that...

Thank you, much better

With little action in the bars Andy and I get bored and take to the streets thinking of stupid shit we can say to people. We walk by some cute blond standing near a crosswalk. I go over and tell her she's cute and I want to kiss her.

We make out.

As we're approaching PB Bar & Grill I notice two women walking toward us. I make eye contact with the cute one and smile at her until she's close enough.

"Oh my God! You would look great with a fanny pack!"

Her and her friends burst out laughing. After she recovers we introduce ourselves. Before we even have a chance to start a conversation some dude comes out of nowhere.

"HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING TO MY GIRL?! WHAT, BITCH!? FUCK YOU!!!"

Happy Birthday 'Murica!

The 4th of July is quickly approaching and I need a costume.

Luckily, right down the street is America's Center for Career Services for Immigrant Workers, or ACCSIW /āk-soo/ for short.

Most know it as Home Depot, though.

I picked up the following:

You bet your ass I got a God damn bald eagle! Not only did I get a bald eagle, but I shrunk it, stuck it on my spear, dipped it into aluminum and painted it gold.

FUCK.

YES.

Sara: Part 2 - Dinner And A Movie (Without The Movie)

Sara texts me.

Her: It's Friday...

Me: And it's 2:05pm

Her: Doin anything fun tonight?

Me: My middle name is fun, so absolutely! What are you doing right now?

Her: Painting my nails. Then going to the movies. Then...

Me: Then you're coming over to make me dinner! That's a perfect plan, how'd you come up with that so fast?

Sara: Part 1 - "I Don't Sleep With Guys I've Just Met"

We get to Typhoon Saloon.

It's a normal night.

Note: Normal in this case refers to us being drunk and dressed like idiots.

Most of the night goes by without any real entertainment... well, besides my friends putting on strip shows in random parts of the bar, but I already said it's a normal night.

At some point I stumble upon Andy talking to a group of girls and I notice one of them isn't really involved in the conversation. I go up to her and introduce myself. Her name is Sara.