the Rick Tastic adventures

A White Chick, Black Chick, And A Gay Mexican Walk Into A Bar...

The following series of events was relayed to me in an email from my buddy Jeff. This is his story...

Two weekends ago, I found myself in a position where I literally said to myself, "What would Rick Tastic do?"

If any one of you tries to trademark that before me I'll rape your entire family. -Rick

It was a long Friday night shift, and a girl I had gone out on a date with a few days before comes into the bar. That date was nothing special. She was roughly a half hour late, forgot her ID, and we had a language or, more specifically, an accent barrier... so, the usual. I described the date to a mutual friend as "bland". 

But I digress, that actually has nothing to do with the story.

After I make it perfectly clear we would not be going on another date, EVER, she takes off with her friend. As she walks out, a drunk trio walks in. Now, everybody thinks that bartenders get pussy all the time. I wish this were the case, but sometimes even being paid to get girls drunk doesn't always work out. Although, it does beat the hell out of buying girls drinks for no apparent reason other than trying to get my whistle wet. 

Tonight though... tonight is about to get weird.

Say Goodbye to My First Stage 5 Clinger

I've learned my lesson, God, I promise.

No more engineers.

Ever again.

EVER.

...unless she's really hot.

I hooked up with Lauren a few weeks ago. The first time actually took work, and at one point I thought I might not put my P in her V, but then I called her at 2am on a Saturday and told her I was coming over, at which point she gave me her address... and we "did it" (tehehe).

Faggot.

Shut up, dick.

ANYWAY... I pretty much immediately regretted my decision in the morning.

Say Hi to My First Stage 5 Clinger

Friday

We get to Hollywood, unload, and change.

9:47pm

We walk to our usual Friday night pregaming spot: Loaded. It's a small rocker bar, but there's always a decent crowd and there are constantly people coming and going so it's a good place to warm up (read: get warm-up drunk and make an idiot out of yourself with very few repercussions). 

I order a couple shots and a beer as we wait for the rest of the group to show up.

As I'm looking around my sexy 6'2" lighthouse of a manself draws two girls over who start talking to me. Sadie is a hot, little red head (starting to become my Kryptonite) and Lauren is kind of a dorky brunette. 

Trial 1 - 30 Days

I’ve started my first experiment of 2011. For those that don’t know; the “experiment” is abstaining from drugs, alcohol, and any-and-all sexual contact for 30 days.

The typical responses include:

• that’s stupid
• that’s retarded
• why would you do that? that's stupid/retarded

Luckily I actually have an explanation.

"Baller! I love explanations for things I don’t understand!"

"I know, me too. We have so much in common… wanna do it?"

"But what about your 30 days of…"

"Shut up and take your clothes off!"

"Fine..."

Happy Birthday 'Murica!

The 4th of July is quickly approaching and I need a costume.

Luckily, right down the street is America's Center for Career Services for Immigrant Workers, or ACCSIW /āk-soo/ for short.

Most know it as Home Depot, though.

I picked up the following:

You bet your ass I got a God damn bald eagle! Not only did I get a bald eagle, but I shrunk it, stuck it on my spear, dipped it into aluminum and painted it gold.

FUCK.

YES.

Sara: Part 2 - Dinner And A Movie (Without The Movie)

Sara texts me.

Her: It's Friday...

Me: And it's 2:05pm

Her: Doin anything fun tonight?

Me: My middle name is fun, so absolutely! What are you doing right now?

Her: Painting my nails. Then going to the movies. Then...

Me: Then you're coming over to make me dinner! That's a perfect plan, how'd you come up with that so fast?

Sara: Part 1 - "I Don't Sleep With Guys I've Just Met"

We get to Typhoon Saloon.

It's a normal night.

Note: Normal in this case refers to us being drunk and dressed like idiots.

Most of the night goes by without any real entertainment... well, besides my friends putting on strip shows in random parts of the bar, but I already said it's a normal night.

At some point I stumble upon Andy talking to a group of girls and I notice one of them isn't really involved in the conversation. I go up to her and introduce myself. Her name is Sara.